Why do some people have this power over us and can get their way so easily with us?
They –it could be a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a colleague—can make our lives miserable. They talk –or worst, they sigh–, but they know the buttons they have to push to get us emotional and irrational. We feel confused and disoriented. We even seem to forget to act like adults. Though we may be skilled and successful in other parts of our lives, with these people we will feel like a shipwrecked person lost at sea.
We tell ourselves:
“She or he is just coming from a different mind-set,” or “ maybe it is my fault,” “ it is her expression of love, the way she cares for me.” “She is right; I am worthless.” We can also say that it is just miscommunication.
We do our best to understand, to compromise and always ready to satisfy their needs, but it never works; it’s never enough, even when we try harder. Then we are drawn, powerless, caught in the vortex of confusion and dreariness.
How many times did I have the feeling that once again I was the one who had lost?
How many times did I feel frustrated and resentful, because it seems that I could never stand for myself?
What’s going on?
A sure thing is, when a person is getting his or her way at the expense of another, it has a name: manipulation. There is a simple way to describe it: blackmail.
Yes, we are emotionally blackmailed!
Our blackmailers use FOG to confuse us. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
Susan Froward, therapist, described this situation in her book, Emotional Blackmail:
“Blackmailers pump an engulfing FOG into their relationship, ensuring that we will feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and terribly guilty if we don’t.”
It was always about the blackmailer. Now, it’s going to be about us.
For that, we need to have a clear view on what is really going on in our lives. In any type of relationship, we play our part and are responsible for how we act. We cannot change people, but we can change our response. For this, we need to learn about our fears–fear of loss, fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of losing power—in order to control them. Afterwards, we will be able to understand that even our blackmailers may suffer from anxiety, and have their own fears. Then, we will find a relationship fully balanced.
Here at the Buoy Blog, we want to help you to try new experiences, to find out who you are, far from the foggy look of emotional blackmailers. Follow our lead, and we will show you some paths.
It is no longer about being passive victims, but about getting our lives gently back, and, step by step, leave the FOG behind us and walk into the light.
We need to step into the light. We need to say to ourselves that we are entitled to find a heart at peace.
Here at the Buoy Blog, we want to help you to take your life back into the light. Follow our lead, and we will show you some paths, and then you will find your own.
Most importantly, you will find YOU.
The Buoy Blog is one of this lights that will help you to get the FOG out of here! Use it without moderation.
Florence and Kathleen