I think it’s the way He used to smile at me, maybe. Strange how a simple word from Him could start a fire on my nerves; the tension I guess. He could make me believe that I was the luckiest woman in the whole world, and in the same minute tell me that I didn’t deserve any of this luck . I wasn’t able to prove Him wrong even if I had all the legitimate arguments to prove I earned my luck. He could drive me nuts so easily.
Some people do that to us, especially people we care about. We feel anger and disappointment, because we are under an unjust attack and we cannot react properly. It is so frustrating.
Oh, He is a nice man. Everybody says so. He knows a lot of things; He has an opinion on every subject. He is a talker and people listen to Him. Plus, He has a great sense of humor. He made me laugh so many times. I trusted Him, not completely though.
He also craves public attention. The man runs the show, and He needs a foil to look better. Often his need is directed at my family or me. If at a dinner party someone would say something about my house, just a nice compliment, he would jump on it like a dog on a bone. He wanted back the control of the conversation and attention
He would start saying an agreeable sentence to make sure I wouldn’t be too suspicious, like “I love your house. It’s great.” Next, He would complain about His, and I would start feeling a little awkward. It was hard for me to see Him sad. I was able to list all of his qualities to inflate his self-esteem in seconds. I used to diligently reassure him about his choices, describe all the nice features of his house, his neighborhood, his school. People around us would join in the homage. He was going up; I was going down. I could even feel some silent reproach against me. How could a girl like me be so happy when a man like him wasn’t?
Then, He would hammer the last sentence with a big smile and a wink:
– “Yeah, but your husband is a shark. He is ready to step on everybody to make some good money, isn’t he?”
He made it clear for all the persons around us that I didn’t deserve what I had because he felt that my husband was a jerk. I wouldn’t answer. How could I react after saying all these nice compliments to Him? I would stay quiet, mouth open like a dying fish on the sand. He would laugh, relieving everybody of the tension He created. When everybody was laughing, I had to pretend that I wasn’t bothered by his behavior. You don’t make a fuss at a party, right?
Afterwards, I could be upset for hours, blaming myself for my lack of reaction. Why I didn’t stand up for the man with whom I have shared my life for years?
For months now, I stopped meeting Him. I realized it wasn’t worth it. It was a painful decision, because I really love Him. He is part of my life, and will always be in my thoughts. But I had to make a choice. Near Him I am suffocating and unfair to my family; far away I can breathe peacefully. From now on, I will learn to live with the slight deception that we are not capable of simply sharing happy and tough times together.