Yesterday night, I was watching a TV show with my kids about two young men chasing ghosts, demons, and any evil beings that you can imagine. I can tell you that a horrifying, dark, slimy thing seeping from the wall gives me goose bumps and creepy masked killers make me jump every time they appear on the screen.
I don’t have any problem to say that I do not like horror movies, and that I prefer a good book instead.
Yet most of our fears are not from beyond the grave and these fears control us, even if we don’t always realize that.
What are we scared of?
We fear :
- failing to live up to our expectations
- failing to live up to someone else’s expectations
- to not be loved
- to be alone
- to be abandoned
and many more. I am sure that you have your own personal fear that you don’t want to talk about.
When we are dealing with toxic people, not only do we have to face them, but we also have to confront our own fears, and they are so powerful that we prefer to stay in that kind of relationship instead. So, we develop a large pattern of comportment to protect us. We accept manipulations, menaces (direct or clouded) or the guilty nervous breakdown because it is easier to forget all about the tantrum or the rant than being alone. Anything if we are loved. If need to, we will wear masks throughout our life and will hide our real self to avoid the feeling of being left alone.
These uncontrollable fears have another effect on us. They put us down, block us, and prevent us being lit up. As Veronica Paris describes it, “they are gremlins on our shoulder”, except there never was a Gizmo and were always happy to feast on our lack of self-esteem. With their discreet airs, they can eat us alive.
Say I had a dream when I was a kid that when I would be a grown up etc…
Each time I had the feeling I was about to dream, which I patiently built piece by piece, and I just have to do one more thing to accomplish it, my monster is here. Without pity, it would take every single piece back and would put me on what I thought was my real place.
It would say things like:
“Who do you think you are?” “What do you know about this or that?””How could you, even for a second, think it could work?” “Really, did you look at yourself?”
I pass on the details, but it hurts, it hurts really bad and then I just want to run away and hide in a rabbit hole.
Does it sound familiar?
What should we do then? Run away ? Put our head in our hands and cry ? Pretend everything is alright and put the mask back on? Most of all, don’t show what we really feel?
Of course, I do it all and maybe you do the same. But then, if the dream is stubborn it will come back or a new one will come, and the monster with him. And here we go again.
What should we do now?
We can give up our dreams or we can tame our monsters.
Okay, I know, it’s not easy. I just start to look mine in the eyes, and I will need more time to make it eat out of my hand.
Now, I talk to it when it’s showing up and try to reason with it. I explain my knowledge, my experience or my enthusiasm ; everything that can convince it that even if I am not perfect, I can still do it. From now, my monster is more friendly and maybe it just wants to help me be cautious.
We need to find the right balance that will make us, my monster and I, the best team ever.
Hiking, Tai-Chi and meditation are solutions that suit me. My monster can still scare me to death, but when I start looking for my rabbit hole, it stops chasing me. We sit and we talk. Sometimes the monster is right, sometimes I am. Together, we go forward.
By facing my fears, my monster is becoming my best nightmare.